Insecurities

I wish I wasn’t so insecure about…well, everything. My face, my personality, and especially my body (that may be the worst insecurity there is). Let me explain.

When I see someone I think is waaaay superior to me (looks & personality), I grow quiet and don’t say much for the fear of sounding stupid and ignorant. I tend to shrink down into myself. And there is a huge reason for this.

Back in 12th grade, I thought I had finally found a legitimately nice guy, who was smart and sort of cute, but most of all he was nice. After about six months of dating, he regained contact with his really pretty ex girlfriend and I became.jealous and more introverted, because she was obviously smarter and prettier and didn’t lack a personality whatsoever. He swore he would never date her again…

Alas, graduation day, he asked her back out….less than one month after breaking up with me. It sucked. After my bad year long relationship in 10th-11th grade, it was just the icing on the cake.

I’ve been dating the same guy for two and a half years and he’s proven himself extremely loyal. He’s also very handsome and has really pretty female friends who are skinnier and in my opinion, better than me.

So when he wants to double date with his friend and his girlfriend, it makes me nervous because I feel like the girl is probably freaking gorgeous and I would have nothing to say to make me seem interesting and I have nothing to wear that would make me look skinnier or look stellar. It sucks having all that insecurity, all because of a stupid high school boy.

I’m trying to be healthier and eat better, but I have almost zero motivation (except my boyfriend). It sucks feeling like…well, for lack of a better term…a potato and having everyone around me seem like goddesses. I don’t know what to do….I just wish I felt better about myself. I don’t want to feel insecure. I want to feel beautiful, not only to my boyfriend, but to myself as well. It’s just going to take some, if not a lot, of time.

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At work, I see sad things almost every day.

I work at a call center (right now I train in a classroom equivalent to what you’d see in a high school…except with spinny chairs and computers that run on Windows XP), and someone came in and talked to us, saying that over 75% of people who work in this company are overweight/obese. 

How sad is that fact. It gets worse:

Every day, the place I work at has a Chinese food buffet from the Chinese place around the block, $4 bucks for three items, 5 for four items. The place I work at also promotes healthy living and healthy food and exercise, and will offer you up to $500 dollars ($100 if you’re not on their insurance) if you take surveys and get yourself checked out at a doctor. People there don’t listen. I see all of these morbidly obese people walking away with a huge ass tray of Chinese food. Very rarely do I see a skinny person eating a well balanced lunch.

It hurts for some people there to walk. It’s even harder for them to even sit down and use the restroom without being short of breath. There are nurses who pick them up in minivans. It appalls me to see it. 

So it has inspired me to eat a little healthier and in smaller portions. We got sugar free Oreos, rice cakes, and next time we shop I want to get more multigrain/wheat stuff.

And vegetables and fruits. And other healthy various things, if it doesn’t  kill my bank account. Yikes.

Here’s to healthier living.

 

 

 

 

 

Running: I hate it.

But today, my boyfriend convinced me to go out running on the Rail Trail today, and it was a mile and a half up and a mile and a half back, for a total of three miles. The trail was covered in ice and snow from last week’s snowstorm, yet I didn’t even slip once. Mind you, I hadn’t really ran since high school marching band, so I’m totally out of shape and not used to any sort of physical activity. I got tired really quickly, so I went at a steady pace while my already athletic-y boyfriend is just going along and not getting tired whatsoever.

So it’s not even like ten minutes in and I already have a stitch in my right side, but I kept going. We went a mile and a half and I will admit, it went rather quickly.

Going back, I wanted to fall down and die, because I thought it was just too much.

Towards the end of our run, however, I don’t know what got into me, but I just felt this weird rush, and I saw the ‘finish line’ (just a small gate, really) and started to run faster. I ran past my boyfriend, and by the look on his face, he was absolutely shocked. So for the last few yards, I pushed myself (no idea how) and I finished the run.

Usually after any physical activity, my knee starts to hurt and it becomes hard to walk. Today, that didn’t happen. Maybe I’ll do this a little bit more often when it gets nicer out. Today it just happened to be over 50 degrees outside.

I topped it off with a smoothie.