Wine is constan…

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and wants to see us happy.

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Girls. Are. BITCHES.

Okay, so I made this new friend up here, and she was going to turn 21 today so I offered to take her out to celebrate. Little did I know she started inviting other girls who had.OTHER ideas….

And yesterday I was supposed to shop with them…maybe spent two minutes with them and then they left.

I was supposed to meet them at the mall…nothing.

I didn’t hear from them for HOURS.

Any suggestion I made the other girl decided she didn’t like.

I wasn’t invited to “pregame.”

I waited around forever.

No one told me anything.

So they went to party without me.

Girls be bitches.

Ugh

Insecurities

I wish I wasn’t so insecure about…well, everything. My face, my personality, and especially my body (that may be the worst insecurity there is). Let me explain.

When I see someone I think is waaaay superior to me (looks & personality), I grow quiet and don’t say much for the fear of sounding stupid and ignorant. I tend to shrink down into myself. And there is a huge reason for this.

Back in 12th grade, I thought I had finally found a legitimately nice guy, who was smart and sort of cute, but most of all he was nice. After about six months of dating, he regained contact with his really pretty ex girlfriend and I became.jealous and more introverted, because she was obviously smarter and prettier and didn’t lack a personality whatsoever. He swore he would never date her again…

Alas, graduation day, he asked her back out….less than one month after breaking up with me. It sucked. After my bad year long relationship in 10th-11th grade, it was just the icing on the cake.

I’ve been dating the same guy for two and a half years and he’s proven himself extremely loyal. He’s also very handsome and has really pretty female friends who are skinnier and in my opinion, better than me.

So when he wants to double date with his friend and his girlfriend, it makes me nervous because I feel like the girl is probably freaking gorgeous and I would have nothing to say to make me seem interesting and I have nothing to wear that would make me look skinnier or look stellar. It sucks having all that insecurity, all because of a stupid high school boy.

I’m trying to be healthier and eat better, but I have almost zero motivation (except my boyfriend). It sucks feeling like…well, for lack of a better term…a potato and having everyone around me seem like goddesses. I don’t know what to do….I just wish I felt better about myself. I don’t want to feel insecure. I want to feel beautiful, not only to my boyfriend, but to myself as well. It’s just going to take some, if not a lot, of time.

Running: I hate it.

But today, my boyfriend convinced me to go out running on the Rail Trail today, and it was a mile and a half up and a mile and a half back, for a total of three miles. The trail was covered in ice and snow from last week’s snowstorm, yet I didn’t even slip once. Mind you, I hadn’t really ran since high school marching band, so I’m totally out of shape and not used to any sort of physical activity. I got tired really quickly, so I went at a steady pace while my already athletic-y boyfriend is just going along and not getting tired whatsoever.

So it’s not even like ten minutes in and I already have a stitch in my right side, but I kept going. We went a mile and a half and I will admit, it went rather quickly.

Going back, I wanted to fall down and die, because I thought it was just too much.

Towards the end of our run, however, I don’t know what got into me, but I just felt this weird rush, and I saw the ‘finish line’ (just a small gate, really) and started to run faster. I ran past my boyfriend, and by the look on his face, he was absolutely shocked. So for the last few yards, I pushed myself (no idea how) and I finished the run.

Usually after any physical activity, my knee starts to hurt and it becomes hard to walk. Today, that didn’t happen. Maybe I’ll do this a little bit more often when it gets nicer out. Today it just happened to be over 50 degrees outside.

I topped it off with a smoothie.

 

So today…I had my first panic attack…

And hopefully there are no more to come.

So there is an indoor handgun range a few miles from the apartment and it’s the only range within roughly a 30 mile radius that we can go to, so naturally it’s almost ALWAYS packed or it has a waiting list. Every time we’ve tried going, it’s been backed up and busy, so we decided today would be the day.

Once stepping into the range, I hear all these bangs going off at once. Some people had .22s, some people had 9mms, others had .45s. One guy had a giant revolver that could have been mistaken for a freaking cannon that scared the living hell out of everyone.

All the banging and…well…exploding…in such a smelly and smoky and SMALL place really got to me. I was going to shoot a 9mm Beretta, because all I have shot is a .22 long rifle and a .22 handgun, both in outdoor ranges. At one moment, my hands started shaking and became clammy, my knees started to buckle and shake, and then my whole body started to shake, because there was just too much going on at once and I couldn’t do it. I then took my purse and walked out. I could still see everyone through a window; I just wasn’t going to go back in there anytime soon. I sat down in a folding chair and unknowingly started to cry…my hands and knees were still shaking and my breath was kind of short…

yeah, I chickened out. oops.

If it were outdoors, I wouldn’t have had any problem whatsoever.
Well, I still wouldn’t want that guy with the huge revolver there, but all the other handguns I didn’t have an issue with.

I do feel guilty because my boyfriend had to shoot all by himself and he was out ten bucks, but he’s not upset about it.

One thing I do know for sure…next time, I will be outside and it will be 75 degrees and freaking sunny.